


Sea Of Sorrow

by malu (orphan_account)



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: Angst, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-23
Updated: 2014-06-25
Packaged: 2018-02-05 21:37:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1833154
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/malu
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><em>Walls of thought, strong and high/ As my castle crumbles with time...</em><br/>The story of Jenson and Mark, told by Fernando.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Summer Wine (Prelude)

**Author's Note:**

> **Never happened, only a product of imagination!  
> **  
>  This probably makes much more sense when you have read "Break Me" as it is sort of a missing scene to that story. Jenson Button has a really evil role in this, sorry about that but someone has to be the bad guy and I was intrigued to pick one of the less obvious for that. Again, it is just made up, I even like Jenson (just not in this story).

Sebastian never thought he would rely on Fernando for help but of all the drivers in the paddock, he and Kimi would be the only ones who have been around long enough to know. And Mark and Fernando were friends after all. He is not sure for how long they have been hanging out but if there is any hope for him to solve the mystery, it is by calling out to Fernando. He can just about imagine how surprised the Spaniard was to receive his call, as they are not close at all and rarely talk. Yet, Fernando had agreed to meet up with him and now he is sitting in a quiet bar, waiting for him nervously. Sebastian could only assume but from Fernando’s reaction to his, admittedly vague, questions, he figured that Fernando knew about Mark and him and what happened after Le Mans. _He is going to kill me_ Sebastian swallows. And then he arrives, sliding into the private booth Sebastian had picked, his eyes glaring at the young German. His voice is cold when he speaks, “Hello, Sebastian. You need to talk to me?”

“Yes, I-“ Sebastian has no idea how to ask. Hell, he does not even know what to ask. He holds on to his drink and takes a desperate sip, squirming uncomfortably under Fernando’s scrutinizing eyes.

Fernando raises his arm to get a waiter’s attention. “This is about Mark,” he says when the young man who had taken his order has walked away. _So he knows._ Sebastian blushes and looks into his glass. Fernando starts talking again, his voice warmer now, “Sebastian, we are not friends and I don’t like you very much. And I assume you don’t like me. But Mark is my friend, a good friend and if I can, I will help him. So, why did you call me?”

Sebastian raises his head, finding Fernando eyeing him a bit friendlier now. The waiter arrives and puts a glass of wine on the table. When she has left again, Sebastian has ordered his thoughts enough to speak up. “Fernando, what do you know about Mark and Jenson?”

There is a long silence that feels uncomfortable. Fernando is playing with his wine, watching it move in the glass. “What did he tell you?”

“Nothing.” Fernando looks at him with a raised eyebrow and the German continues, mumbling, “Only that I can blame Button for whatever is wrong with Mark.”

The Spaniard’s eyes return to his wine. “You can do that.” His voice is full of resignation. Then, he takes Sebastian’s hand with a sudden movement and looks at him frowning. “Do you want to hear the full story? Because that will be a long and sad evening and it cannot be untold.”

Sebastian feels intimidated by Fernando’s intense gaze and nods slowly while holding his breath.

Fernando looks as if he is thinking about where he should start. “Most of this happened more than ten years ago, it was during my time at Renault and Mark was changing to Jaguar, he was pretty much a rookie, so was I, and only Jenson had been there a bit longer. Actually, I was to replace him at Renault when it started but then he changed to BAR.” Fernando takes a deep breath. “Anyway, what I’m saying is that it’s been forever since then, Maybe I don’t remember all the details.” He takes a sip of wine and then he tells Sebastian. Everything.

_And left me craving for...more summer wine_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Summer Wine: Written by Hazelwood, (c) Granite-music Corp., Criterion Music Corporation, sounds nice in recordings by Nancy Sinatra or Natalia Avelon/Ville Valo


	2. Flowers In December

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now I definetely know what writing yourself in a corner means. I always, like before even alluding to it in Break Me, knew what happened between Mark and Jenson but I never thought I'd find it so difficult to write it in a coherent way. I hope this won't be too messy or disappointing.

_They say every man goes blind in his heart_  
 _They say everybody steals somebody's heart away_  
 _And I've been wondering why you let me down_

"You know, it must have started in the winter break. I wasn't close to Mark then yet and Jenson certainly despised me for taking his seat, but DC told me later. Mark had... well, I suppose he had a crush on Jenson from the moment they first met and he started hanging out with him and DC during the race weekends and then privately, too, mostly at DC's house. At some point in December, Mark must have had the feeling that Jenson might be interested and he started sending little gifts and when he finally send flowers close before Christmas Jenson must have known. See, I have no idea if he returned the feeling or not, but it didn't matter anyway because he did not want to return it and he stopped talking to Mark altogether."

Fernando stops and Sebastian frowns at him. _That cannot even be close to the entire story, it might not have been nice but it is not a reason to hold a grudge for a decade_. Somehow, he wonders how the words "Mark" and "crush" even fit into the same sentence but then even Mark must have been younger once. _It must have been cute._ The Spaniard calls over a waiter again and after a brief exchange of words, two bottles of red wine appear on their table. _So there must be much more to tell._ Sebastian fills their glasses and after a sip of wine, Fernando continues. "David had a bad idea then. I mean, he couldn't know, they hadn't told him about anything, but he noticed that they fell out somehow and decided to invite them to a party at his house to get them to talk to each other again. Of course, there was no party and the scheme seemed to work a bit, they ended up talking and David let them to themselves and next thing he knows is Jenson breaks Mark's nose." 

Sebastian stares at Fernando, his eyes widened. Fernando nods, "Yes, really, Jenson's reaction to Mark's first kiss was punching him in the face. David said there was a lot of yelling and a flood of accusations and Jenson sounded severely homophobic and he felt like a referee in a fight. Eventually, they had some drinks and something shifted and Jenson got all teary and apologized, so David had the impression things were okay when they went to bed. And then, the next morning, David finds them in the same guest room, in the same bed. When Jenson woke up he had a panic attack and fled, screaming and only half-dressed." Fernando chuckles, probably imagining the pictures in his head. "David was left with a sobbing Mark and that is all we know firsthand about the start." With a single gulp, Fernando empties his glass and refills, looking as if his mind is years away, caught up in the past.

"That is only the start?" Sebastian is still startled at the Jenson from Fernando's story. He must be a good actor because the JB he knows from the race weekends seems quite different. The Mark in that story is different, too. He wishes he would have met him like that, it sounds like he was a lot more open and approachable.

"Mhm. Only the beginning. But for the next events David and I could never really, you know, verify? Some of this we guessed."

"Were you so close to David? I never noticed!" This has been intriguing Sebastian for a while now.

"Ah, we will get to that, you will understand. We weren't close, it is only because of Mark." Sebastian never knew Mark was so important to Fernando, they had been close, but this comes as a surprise and he hopes the story will explain it as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Flowers In December: Written by Sandoval/ Roback, performed by Mazzy Star, (c) Capitol


	3. How Will I Cope With That?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  **Mention of rape!**  
>  Sorry, very brief, I am struggling with this.

_So you satisfy yourself and lay me back_  
 _Back upon the shelf_  
 _So you took what you owned and a whole lot more_  
 _I wish I could flick a switch and you would appear_  
 _Cause I'd like to gain some of your sympathy_  
 _The only thing I've won is the pain you're causing me_

"Have you ever seen Brokeback Mountain?" Sebastian stares at Fernando in utter confusion. "The movie?" the Spaniard asks again and this time Sebastian just nods, vaguely remembering that Hanna made him watch it. "Well, they reminded me of that. I think they kept having these encounters afterwards, you know, sometimes there were these looks, some rumors around the paddock for the next season." Fernando pauses and refills their glasses. _We will be so wasted when this is over..._ "The movie didn't end well."

It takes a moment for the German to recall the ending. "But Mark and Jenson are both alive," he says, feeling puzzled.

"Mhm. Yes, they are." Fernando takes a deep breath before he continues, "You know, Mark was suffering under the situation. He wouldn't talk about it, not even to David and they were close at the time, but you could tell by looking at him. Around the paddock, most assumed he was not satisfied with his career, disappointed not to be running for championship." 

"So that's what broke Mark?" Sebastian inquires when Fernando has been silent for a moment. The Spaniard lifts his eyes and looks straight at him and Sebastian is shocked by the sudden anger in his look.

"No, that was a sad romance but I would have no doubt he would have gotten over it. In fact, he started to because he began seeing someone." Sebastian has to resist the urge to interrupt and aks who Fernando was talking about. "Things were going okay until Jenson turned up in front of his hotel room one night, completely wasted and wanted to fuck him right there. Mark refused and Jenson started beating him nearly unconscious and then he-" Fernando stops. His voice had gone softer, more pressed over that last sentence until it became nearly inaudible and now he does not say a thing anymore. Sebastian wants to look in his face but he turns his head to the side, leaving Sebastian clueless.

"He tried to rape him, Sebastian." Now this cannot be true, it has to be some cruel joke. Sebastian's heart is dropping to the floor and he is shaking his head because he refuses to believe it. Fernando's voice is trembling when he continues. "The only thing that kept Jenson from completing his atrocity was that Mark's boyfriend stepped into the room with his spare keycard because they had agreed to meet and Mark had not shown up."

"How do you know?" Sebastian asks, breathless and shaking, trying desperately to wake up from this nightmare. _It must be a nightmare because it cannot be true._ And then Fernando lifts and turns his head and Sebastian sees his eyes and the traces of tears on his cheeks and then he understands. "It was you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How Will I Cope With That?: Written & performed by The Hives, (c) The Hives/ Sidekick Records


	4. Night Comes Down

_The fear closes in and the nightmares begin_  
  
 _Can't take this pain and sorrow_  
 _Oh can't you see my heart is broken in two_

Fernando holds his gaze but he does not react so Sebastian continues speaking. "You were Mark's new boyfriend. I'm sorry, I never-" He finds himself out of words. _What is there to say? Could I ask what happened afterwards or is that too much? Did they break up because of Jenson?_

Maybe the older man can read his mind because he starts speaking now again. "I'll explain. Just give me a minute." So Sebastian waits, trying to stay calm and not to fidget with his glass or his shirt too much. "I suppose you want to know what came afterwards?" Fernando's voice is hoarse. Sebastian nods, surprised that the Spaniard is willing to keep talking. "Hell. No more, no less. Mark was a mess and I was out of my mind and had to reach out for David to help because I was paralyzed. And it would not end. Mark had nightmares for the rest of the season and David and I would take turns staying in his room watching over him. We were worried and afraid he would end up doing something stupid. Which he didn't and I admire his strength to shake all of that off over time. I don't think I could."

Sebastian tries to think about it but he cannot answer it for himself. Could he overcome something like that? There is a question left that Fernando has not answered and he is wondering about a way to bring it up, craving to know. "And you and Mark, what happened?" It is a blunt way of asking but then he has come so far tonight he is willing to take the chance. He watches Fernando's face for signs of disapproval but the older man just looks very tired.

"After that night nothing ever happened. We both just knew it would not work anymore. Leave alone the fact that Mark swore to himself very determinedly that he would never allow himself to give control over his body to anyone but himself and I doubt we could have worked out with that as a basis. We've stayed friends though, I don't think we regret anything about us. So, if that is the reason for you asking: you don't have to worry about me, I won't be a threat." They sit in silence for another while, both exhausted. After all that they have shared tonight, the quietness no longer feels awkward or tense between them but strangely comforting, knowing that they worry about the same person.

"Did you ever confront Jenson?" The thought just occurred to Sebastian. He would have beaten him up. Fernando just shakes his head.

"No, Mark did not want to lose a single word about that night ever again and David and I just complied. It seemed to work, you know? Psychologists would probably say it is horribly wrong but in Mark's situation? He couldn't speak out, he couldn't have attention on the incident, it would have damaged his career and then Jenson would have won, destroying the only thing Mark had left, his love of racing. He needed to forget, to shut it away and to be strong because he had to race and we understood." Fernando shrugs slightly. 

"Can I ask you one more thing?" Fernando gives him a quizzical look and nods. "Why did you bother to come here and tell me? What do you know about Mark and me?"

"That is two things," Fernando states but when Sebastian starts to reply to that, he gives him a small chuckle and continues. "As I said, I came because I care about Mark and ten years after that inferno we have gone through he deserves closure and I think he could find it with you. I know you're not on good terms, he told me you had a disagreement but I hope you can overcome that. You know, you are the first person I know of in all these years who he stayed with for more than one night. For the both of you I hope that means something." Sebastian is looking for mockery or jealousy in Fernando's eyes but only finds them open and sincere. 

"I don't know if we can. And thank you for doing this. It means a lot," Sebastian returns and then he cannot help yawning a little. It is well past midnight. A quick check of his watch confirms that their conversation has lasted several hours. And again Fernando seems to be reading his mind.

"We should go now," the Spaniard states simply. Sebastian feels completely drained and just nods in agreement, so they pay and get out of the bar that has emptied almost completely during their epic conversation. They part in front of the place, under the light of a street lamp, exchanging a brief handshake. Then Sebastian turns around, surprised that his legs work rather well despite the wine, walking back towards his hotel. 

"Sebastian?" He spins around and finds himself pierced by a pair of dark, Spanish eyes. "If you ever do anything to hurt him I will find you, catch you and kill you with my bare hands."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Night Comes Down: Written by Tipton/ Halford/ Downing, performed by Judas Priest, (c) Columbia


	5. A Cold Wind Blows Through Your Door

_Night will follow day_  
 _Sure as the sun the moon_  
 _Remember I will always be with you_

Fernando wakes up with a bad headache the next morning, not sure whether he has to blame it on the wine or a lack of sleep. Besides him, the sheets rustle and a warm body cuddles up against him, wrapping a long arm around his waist. "Hey, Nando. You came home late."

"Hey, amor." Fernando places a kiss on the disheveled hair sticking out of the sheets next to him. "Yes, it was a long talk."

"How did it go?"

"I don't know. It was difficult, remembering all that. It's been so long and I don't like the memories."

"No one likes them. Do you think it helped?" The voice next to him is difficult to understand through all the sheets.

"Maybe. I think Sebastian really cares about him." Fernando pauses and lets the past evening run through his head again. "He is a good kid. Even if I don't like him."

There is a muffled chuckle next to him. "I think you do like him, you just don't want to admit it because he beats your ass on track. Did you tell him about us, too?"

"No, I don't think he needs to know." Fernando pauses a moment. "I should call Mark and tell him that I told Sebastian, right?" He releases a deep breath.

"Mhm. You are a good friend for Mark, you know? And I love you."

Fernando leans into the embrace now, lacing hands with his lover. "I love you, too, David."

~~~~~

Sebastian is on the plane taking him to England, his eyes hidden behind sunglasses and his head still pounding from the wine. His thoughts circle around Mark. _What a mess._ He does not feel sorry for Mark and he doubts Mark would want him to. In fact, pity would probably be the last thing the Australian wants. And Mark really should have just talked to him, explain him. Even if he did not want to tell the whole story, he should have let him know something. Still, he is not really angry anymore. He understands Mark's hesitancy and he is grateful that Fernando went through the hassle of telling him. _It must have been an ordeal for him, he looked wrecked when we parted._ Actually, Sebastian even feels sorry for Fernando, what a sad way of having a relationship end and though he hates to admit it, Mark and Fernando would have made a cute couple. He wonders if the Spaniard really does not regret losing Mark but he sounded genuine last night and Sebastian is inclined to believe him. _Certainly Fernando has found someone new?_ A part of him still wants everything to be a bad dream but he knows better. Right now, the first thing he wants to do in Silverstone is to walk up to that McLaren pit and punch Button's face.

~~~~~

Mark is packing in a hurry. He really needs to go to Silverstone and talk to Sebastian, being well aware that it is his turn to take initiative if he wants to set things straight between them. Now, he is nervous, full of anxiety, his stomach twisting and his head spinning. Fernando's call brought back all the memories. That rollercoaster of emotions when all he could ever think of was Jenson and the Brit kept pushing him away only to come back to fuck him later. And that inglorious night, that grand finale to the most humiliating time in his life. The pain of Jenson's hits has never been an issue; he has hurt himself worse while racing. But the helplessness when his body would not react to him anymore, his legs failing him and his arms paralyzed, Jenson's furious face over him and the fear of the inevitable degradation. He shakes his head, trying to shake off the feelings but they stick, as they always do when he remembers. He wonders how he feels about Sebastian knowing. Would the kid pity him now? That would be disgusting. But he doubts the German would do that. What would a guy like Sebastian do though? An image of the German pops up in his head, standing in his racing suit in the pit lane, beating Jenson with that evil, arrogant smirk Mark has seen on him so many times, blue eyes full of rage. He never wanted revenge and yet, if he is honest, the image is appealing at the moment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A Cold Wind Blows Through Your Door: Written, performed and (c) by Bill Ricchini

**Author's Note:**

> Sea Of Sorrow: Written by Cantrell, J, performed by Alice In Chains, (c) Buttnugget Publishing


End file.
